My Father Sexually Abused Me. Should I Tell My Family?

Background

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my father. I never told anyone about it when it was happening. To this day, nobody in my family is aware that the abuse occurred. My mother is still married to him, and he has a good relationship with most of our immediate and extended family. In adulthood, I’ve chosen to continue keeping his transgressions to myself. I’ve followed this path not only to avoid familial conflict but also for the sake of containing the damage he has done. If I were to share these details with my mother, I’d risk destroying a decades-long marriage in a single conversation. If I were to tell my siblings, I’d do irrevocable damage to their relationship with our father. If I were to tell his mother, my cousins, aunts, uncles — you get the idea. Hearing this news would bring immense pain and sadness to the people I love most in the world. If I keep my mouth shut, the hurt and harm he caused stops with me. If I spill, the whole family feels the pain.

Current Situation

After many years of therapy, I finally followed the advice of therapists and friends and cut ties with him. I let my family know that I couldn’t be around him anymore. This wasn’t a complete shock to most, as he is a rather difficult person. He is incredibly manipulative and argumentative, and often bitterly condescending to anyone who dares to disagree with him. When I announced to the family that I would be taking a step back because of some issues between my father and me, everyone assumed that he had pushed things too far in our last argument and said some horrible things that couldn’t be taken back — that’s his M.O., and I wouldn’t be the first member of the family to say a permanent goodbye to him for that reason. But the longer our estrangement lasts, the more questions I get from the rest of the family. Everyone wants to know why I can’t just let his jerk-type tendencies go once he apologizes, as everyone else does. All I can do is tell them that I don’t wish to discuss the matter.

Family Reactions

My family members think that I’m causing avoidable strife and selfishly ignoring their sadness over our estrangement. They often tell me how profoundly sad my father is that I won’t speak to him. My mother is heartbroken at the idea of all the future holidays, anniversaries, graduations and birthdays without me around. Now, I could continue to absorb these painful criticisms in silence. Moreover, I know that he’s sorry for what he did and that he didn’t mean to hurt me. I know that he was simply re-enacting the trauma from his own truly horrific childhood. I have tried to forgive him on this basis and let it all go, but the memories of his abuse continue to haunt me.

Ethical Considerations

A few trusted friends have told me that I should consider telling the family about all of this. They say that if they had an abuser in the family, they would want to know. What is the ethical thing to do here? Should I continue my silence to protect the rest of my family from emotional harm? Or do I owe it to them to tell them the truth? As I write this, I’m also painfully aware that if I break my silence, he will try to manipulate them into believing that none of this is true, that I’m delusional — he has done it successfully before. I’m not sure I could survive that. — Name Withheld

Response from The Ethicist

From the Ethicist:

I’m so sorry about what you’ve gone through. There’s something particularly dreadful about being harmed by someone who was supposed to take care of you. You’re to be commended for addressing so thoughtfully the issues you face.

Immediate Concerns

Now, an immediate issue is whether your father could be in a position to repeat his crimes with other children — that there aren’t others suffering in silence. If that’s the case, staying silent isn’t an option. You don’t raise this as a concern, but you need to be confident that it isn’t one. (Although data is limited, it’s true that researchers have found that intrafamilial sexual offenders tend to behave differently from extrafamilial ones, and pose a lower risk of offending with others.)

Understanding and Forgiveness

I’m assuming too that you’ve had conversations about the abuse with him: That’s presumably how you know that he’s sorry, and why you think the traumas visited upon him as a child are connected to those he visited upon you. Yet whatever his expressions of regret, they clearly weren’t reparative; reconciliation may never have been possible. It clearly isn’t now.